Post by jeffpahunter on Jan 6, 2008 9:21:34 GMT -4
If some of these don't make you smile your probably dead.
New York City Report Cards
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here
Here are excuse notes parents actually sent to school for their children's absence.
My Son is under the doctor's care and should not take gym. Please execute him.
Mary could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.
Please excuse Roland from gym for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Chris had an acre in his side.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday as she had a gangover.
Sandy and I won't be in school a week from Friday. We have a funeral to attend.
How to Tell You Are Growing Older.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You join a health club and don't go.
Your mind makes contracts your body cannot meet.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high, trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today".
You turn out the lights for economic reasons instead of romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You are seventeen around the neck, forty-two around the waist, and ninety around the golf course.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
Dialing long distance tires you out.
You are startled the first time you are addressed as "old timer".
You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until after 9:00 P.M.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for fiends who exercise.
You have too much room in your house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
New York City Report Cards
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!!!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
16 'You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.'
15 'Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while.'
14 'If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.'
13 'If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.'
12 'Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you.'
11 'You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?'
10 'Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?'
9 'Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.'
8 'The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?'
7 'Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.'
6 'Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.'
5 'In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.'
4 'How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?'
3 'No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.'
2 'I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.'
AND THE WINNER IS....
1 'You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here
Here are excuse notes parents actually sent to school for their children's absence.
My Son is under the doctor's care and should not take gym. Please execute him.
Mary could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
Please eckuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33.
Please excuse Roland from gym for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Chris had an acre in his side.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday as she had a gangover.
Sandy and I won't be in school a week from Friday. We have a funeral to attend.
How to Tell You Are Growing Older.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
You feel like the night before and you haven't been anywhere.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You join a health club and don't go.
Your mind makes contracts your body cannot meet.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high, trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "Twenty-five Years Ago Today".
You turn out the lights for economic reasons instead of romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You are seventeen around the neck, forty-two around the waist, and ninety around the golf course.
You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
Dialing long distance tires you out.
You are startled the first time you are addressed as "old timer".
You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until after 9:00 P.M.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
The little gray haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You get your exercise acting as pallbearer for fiends who exercise.
You have too much room in your house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.